An Interview with Jan Andersen
Check out my interview with Jan Andersen, who is truly a remarkable woman who lives life to the fullest.
In fact, she is a mother, a freelance writer, copywriter, editor, and holds a voluntary position with the Survivors' Division of SMHAI (Suicide and Mental Health Association International. She also has a talent for caricatures and pastel paintings of beautiful landscapes, particularly the Aurora Borealis. With all that she juggles, I am honored that she took the time to discuss her life with me. So sit back and enjoy.
1. You have had children when you were in your 20s and a child at almost 40 (39 ¾ years old). What is the biggest difference raising a child when you were younger than when you were mature at 40? As an older mother, I am far more in tune with my daughter's needs than I was with my other three children as a younger mother and am certainly in a better position to educate her. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. She certainly helps to keep me young! I just cannot ever imagine not having had her. Lauren is such a bright, caring, affectionate child and tells me every day that I am the best mum in the world! As a 40+ mum, not only am I wiser and far more stable emotionally and financially, I have also been far more equipped to deal with difficult situations as they arise. In 2002 I lost my eldest son Kristian to suicide. Had this happened when I was younger, I don’t think I would have survived, but my strength gained through age and experience means that I am able to deal with each crisis far more effectively as an older parent – and, of course, my daughter gave me a reason to carry on! 2. You have an inspirational website that provides a positive resource for older mother and fathers. What is the most memorable story that was sent to you at your site: mothersover40.com? I have received many wonderful stories over the past 8 years since first establishing the website. The most heartwarming are those where a woman has been told by a doctor or fertility specialist that she has absolutely no chance of conceiving and then goes on to defy medical opinion by conceiving successfully and producing a perfectly healthy baby. I heard from one mum who first wrote to me after she was told that she had a 1 in 6 million chance of ever conceiving. The following year she wrote to me after she had delivered a healthy baby boy! I have also heard from women over 50 who have had “surprise” pregnancies after being led to believe that they did not need to practice contraception at their “age”. 3. What would you be the most important advice you would give a first time mother over 40? Try not to worry and don’t listen to negative comments. If you are pregnant, try to remember that the chances of having a healthy baby after the age of 40 are still far greater than having a baby with health problems/chromosomal abnormalities. 99% of the mothers with whom I have communicated over the years have given birth to perfectly healthy babies. If you have already given birth, try to focus on all the positive aspects of midlife parenting. Following the birth, the advice is pretty much the same as for any new parent, irrespective of age: Eat well and rest when you can! If anyone would like some snappy comebacks to insensitive/negative comments, then please read the following article: "Snappy Comebacks". 4. You are also a freelance writer. When did you know that this is what you wanted to pursue? I always knew that my ideal job would be to eventually work for myself as a writer. I worked for many years in PR and marketing, always writing copy for the companies for whom I worked, but generally for my bosses to take the credit! Over the years, I also had various poems and articles published and won a couple of writing competitions. As with most people, it was always a case of having to do a job that brought in a regular income until I was in a position to branch out on my own. When Lauren was born in November 1999, I saw this as an opportunity to begin working from home. I was fortunate enough to have a partner who was prepared to support me financially until I started bringing in money again. I began by writing copy for a friend of mine who had recently started up her own web design business. She then recommended my services to a couple of her clients and so on. I now have a base of good clients who send regular work my way, including the publisher of my own book. Whenever an author sends a book to her for publishing, it is sent to me for editing and formatting. The range of projects I undertake is diverse. One day, I could be editing a film script and the next I could be writing a sales’ letter for an estate agent. At the moment, I am editing lesson plans for a client. I have even written a final paper for an African-American university student who was taking a Masters degree! The title of the dissertation was: Influences of Gangsta Rap & Hip Hop on Young Black Men. (Yes, he did get a good grade!) 5. Unfortunately you lost one of your sons to suicide. Your book: “Chasing Death: Losing a Child to Suicide”, is written in a very straightforward way that discusses the pain that surviving loved ones endure. Did writing this book help you heal the pain of losing a son to suicide? If so, how did it heal you and your family? I tend not to use the word “healing”, because as anyone who has lost someone to suicide (or lost a child in any way) will tell you, healing is somewhat of a fallacy. You simply reach a point of acceptance where you learn to live alongside the pain. I have always found writing very cathartic, but I think that what motivated me most was the desire to help other families who had experienced a similar tragedy by using the talents that I possessed. Not everyone feels able to articulate their grief, so in a way I felt compelled to be a “voice” for those people and, hopefully, write something with which other bereaved families could identify. It does not remove their pain, of course, but hopefully it will offer some small comfort in making them realize that they are not alone and that there are many other people out there who can identify with their complicated grief. It was also written as a way of honoring Kristian and of raising money for charity; in this case, Kidscape, the UK charity dedicated to keeping children safe from bullying and abuse. 6. When writing this book, you stated that it took over 6 years to write. What was the hardest chapter to write? Why?
In actual fact, the amount of time that I spent writing the book was probably less than a year, but as you can imagine, it was hugely painful to write, because in order to convey the depth of excruciating grief I had to be able to “feel”. Therefore, it was not possible to sit and write for any great length of time because it was just too overwhelming. In addition, not only did I need to spend time gathering other families’ stories from a wide range of family setups, I also had to be able to write from the perspective of a bereaved parent several years down the grieving road to show how I had managed to cope and how my grief changed with each passing year. It’s also interesting to note how other people’s reactions to you also change, with the false perception that after a certain amount of time you should be “over it”. When my other children and Kristian’s girlfriend Millie read the book, they said that there were many things that they had forgotten about – such as certain events that occurred on the day of Kristian’s funeral. Therefore, the book has also been a way of keeping those memories alive. The hardest chapters to write were those that dealt with the raw grief, not just that of the immediate aftermath of the tragedy, but of the recurring grief that occurs along the way. Each day there will be “memory triggers” that bring a grief to the surface that can be as debilitating as it was in the beginning. The first chapter, which is a history of Kristian’s life, was also very painful to write. There were more uplifting chapters too, such as the one on Life After Death and Inspirational Thoughts. 7. What was the hardest thing that you absolved regarding your son’s death? I have never felt angry with my son for what he did, but in the beginning I did feel immense anger towards anyone who had ever hurt him, or taken advantage of him in any way. He was a very loving and naive young man and would always forgive anyone, no matter what they had done to him. I strive to be like that and have learned that the only person you harm by harboring anger is yourself. Forgiveness is one of the greatest human virtues. What I have found most difficult to cope with is the thought that prior to ending his life, he felt that no one loved him and that he spent his final night alone in the cold, concrete stairwell of the block of flats where his girlfriend lived. I have often asked, “Why didn’t he call me?” Although the hospital staff assured me that he will have felt no physical pain after he had taken the fatal heroin overdose, it is the emotional pain that I know he was enduring prior to this final act that still cripples me. He left two suicide notes, so we are aware of the extent of his misery. 8. What new things are in store for you in the near future? Apart from the ongoing freelance projects, which help to keep the wolf from the door, I am currently writing my next book, which is a follow up to Chasing Death entitled, “Kristian’s Heaven: Chasing Life and Its Meaning”. This book actually channels words from Kristian and the angels. No, I’m not bonkers – I really do communicate with the spirit world and the angels. In fact, the angels attempt to communicate with all of us, but not everyone “listens”. It’s that little voice that we call “intuition” or “gut feeling”. What they don’t do, however, is interfere with our own free will. If we ask for their help, they will give it, but we have to listen to their advice. Look for their communication in number repetition e.g. numbers that seem to crop up everywhere you look (subconsciously) e.g. 444, 1111, 333 and so on, or in white feathers or small coins that seem to appear in front of you from nowhere. If anyone is interested in learning more about how the angels communicate with us and can help us, I would recommend reading any of Doreen Virtue’s books. Thanks so much Jan for allowing me to pass your story on to others. Please remember to check out her websites: Mothersover40.com and ChasingDeath.com .
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